


why, shiro, why?

by orphan_account



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Space Dad Shiro (Voltron), dad jokes, god ok, he just screams in response, he makes lots of dick jokes u can't tell me otherwise, i love voltron, i relate to keith so much, idk when this is but its probably after he gets back, its lit, matt is the one screaming 'this dick' at the end btw, s3 ?, so he can cheer up the team n stuff, so like, the end of it?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-18 00:38:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13670628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: shiro enjoys telling dad jokes to piss people off au





	why, shiro, why?

**Author's Note:**

> i finally found out what to do w the collection of dad jokes i have

Shiro runs his eyes over his list one last time before stepping into the dining area, folding it up and placing it on the counter. He pours himself a cup of water into a mug- there’s no coffee in space, unfortunately- and leans against the counter, taking a quick drink. He tries to school his face into a cool, commanding one. Or maybe a nice, relaxed one. It takes a minute, and when he finally gets it, he remembers and nearly breaks into a smile again. It’s a struggle, but he finally manages to keep a calm face. He then waits for his first victim.

 

For awhile, it seems like he’s the only awake, sipping on his water every once and awhile. He runs over the list in his head, and it’s a good thing he brought the list with him because he’s already forgotten half of them. It’s another ten minutes before he hears soft, bare footsteps and hurriedly folds his list again, placing it on the counter just as Pidge makes her way into the room, looking wide awake and arms full of different metal pieces. Shiro reached over to help her, but she opened the fridge with her foot before he even pushed off from the counter, surveying her options before shifting the parts in her arms with intense concentration, trying to hold everything with one arm.

 

“Pidge, let me help-”

 

Pidge startles, a squeak leaving her mouth and nearly dropping one of the pieces she’s holding on Shiro’s foot. She catches it at the last second and Shiro can’t help but be extremely grateful for that. Those look like they’d hurt.

 

“Shit- I mean, Shiro! I didn’t realize you were in here, how long have you been standing there?!”

“Since before you came in,” Shiro laughs. Pidge frowns.

“Weird. Anyway, since you’re here, can you hold these for a quick tick?” Shiro held out his arms and she gave them to him carefully, giving him a grateful smile. “Thanks- I got hungry on my way back from grabbing stuff in the supply room to my room. I’m trying to see if I can build another Rover, even if he was Galra tech.”

 

Shiro hums as Pidge turns back to the fridge, rubbing her hands together and picking out things from the fridge. By the time she’s done, Shiro is highly concerned.

“Are you just going to hole up in your room for a few… quintants?” Shiro’s eyes widen farther with each item Pidge grabs. She finally seems to have enough, because she holds out her arms full of food as if asking for the equipment back. That, or she’s asking him to hold _that_ food too so she can go back to searching. Thankfully, it’s the latter.

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll be back in half an hour probably. I need drinks, after all,” she replies easily. Shiro decides not to question. “Well, I’ll be in my room if I’m needed. Just pop in if something breaks. Or Galras attack. Or Lance tries to flirt with Keith or Allura- last time he flirted with Keith, Keith tried to punch him because he was so flustered, so I would greatly advise to keep Lance from flirting.”

 

Pidge goes to salute him, nearly dropping some of last night’s leftovers, so she settles for a nod. As she starts to leave, Shiro remembers his list.

 

“Wait! Pidge, hold up!”

 

Pidge stops and turns to raise an eyebrow at him.

 

“Did you hear about the guy who had his left limbs cut off?” Shiro asks innocently. Pidge’s eyes widen and he’s not sure if it’s because she realizes what he’s doing or if she’s concerned. She shifts her arms.

 

“..I didn’t. Is he okay?” Pidge asks hesitantly. “Where did you find this out-”

 

“He’s fine, he’s _all right_ now.”

 

A silence. A blink. Another blink. Shiro bites his lip in an attempt to hide the shit-eating grin threatening to take over his face. Pidge looks like she’s considering dropping everything and hitting him, or maybe hit her face with her hand really hard. He’s seen her do both to Lance, but she does neither. She cringes, she cringes _hard_ , then shakes her head as if to rid herself of the joke.

 

“Alright. Nope. I’m leaving. And never coming out of my room again. Nope, nope.”

 

The moment Pidge leaves the room, Shiro can’t help the laughter that rings through the room. It takes a few douboshes for him to finally calm down- including the times when he calmed down only to bust up laughing again- but he does it. _God_ , this is going to be so fun.

  


The next victim- well, _paladin_ \- to wake up and come into the kitchen is Hunk. He comes about ten minutes after Pidge, heading straight for the fridge. He pulls out some ingredients that Shiro _still_ has no idea what they are- he didn’t cook much on earth, and he _sure as hell didn’t in space_ , that practically begged for a disaster- and started gearing up to cook breakfast, throwing a ‘oh, hey Shiro’ over his shoulder.

 

“Morning, Hunk,” Shiro greets back. “How’d you sleep?”

 

“Meh, well I mean, I slept _well_ I guess, but you know, Lance came in the middle of the night asking about face masks. I tried to tell him I didn’t _have_ any, but he just glared at me and started ranting about face care, so I think I heard him wrong or somethin’,” Hunk shrugged and continued making breakfast.

 

“Sounds like Lance,” Shiro supplies. Hunk nods and continues to talk, which is great usually because Shiro can’t keep up a conversation for shit, but also not as great because he wants to make his joke, since it’s clear Hunk won’t be leaving anytime soon. He listens to Hunk patiently though, adding in comments and ‘hm’s and agreements where necessary.

 

The conversation comes to a slow stop, though, and when Shiro thinks he can get something in without seeming like he wasn’t listening, he asks, “Hunk, do you know why bees hum?”

 

Hunk looks at him for a moment. “Is this something philosophical or something?”

 

Shiro tries not to laugh. “Sure, if you want it to be.”

 

This catches Hunk’s interest. He turns down the heat and puts their breakfast to the side. “Hm, I don’t- I don’t know why. Why do they hum?”

 

“Because they _don’t know the words_.”

 

Shiro’s shoulders are shaking. Hunk’s eyes widen.

 

“Oh wow. Wow, okay. I thought you were going to give like, that mentor speech or something about how I should always be looking to the brightside or something like that but- that, _that_ , Shiro, was cruel. I mean, _really_ cruel. Wow. Horrible.”

 

Shiro gives up- he laughs into his hand as Hunk shakes his head and continues cooking. The jokes are _bad_ \- Shiro knows it. But they’re so _funny_.

  
  


Pidge comes back into the room twenty or so minutes later, poking her head in as if to try and sneak in and out without being seen. She doesn’t seem to see Shiro by the counter, as if she expected him to be somewhere else, and heads to the refrigerator again. She peers into the contents inside.

 

Shiro clears his throat. “What do you call cheese that’s alone?”

 

Pidge jumps again, this time cursing because she had been in the middle of poking her head _into_ the fridge. She glares at Shiro.

 

“No. Not again. I refuse.”

 

“Come on, you know you want to hear it,” Shiro grins. Pidge looks incredibly exasperated. “Besides, maybe it’s better than the last one?”

 

“It’s not,” Pidge says flatly.

 

“You never know.”

 

She considers it. She considers it for a very, very long moment. That proves to be her biggest mistake because she gives in with a sigh and a glare. She crosses her arms and waits for him to be done with it.

 

“What do you call cheese that’s alone?” Shiro asks as a refresher. She gives him a blank stare. “ _Provolone._ ”

 

Pidge is gone with a loud _NOPE!_ before Shiro gets the last syllable out. Shiro has to hold the counter for support this time, and Hunk is laughing with him.

 

Shiro’s never had so much fun in his life.

  
  


Lance is the next paladin to make his way into the kitchen as few minutes after Hunk- Keith won’t be up for a few more hours or so- and Shiro guesses he’s been up for awhile, because he’s dressed and moving around, giving Shiro a high five as he walks in. Finger guns make an appearance, and Shiro wonders if Lance would have the same reactions as Hunk and Pidge, or whether he’d actually enjoy it. Lance was… interesting like that.

 

“Hunk, my man!” Lance takes in a breath and smiles with a satisfied smile.  “Man. Now _that_ food smells really _really_ good. Gimme, gimme, gimme.”

 

“No, it’s not finished yet.” Hunk swats Lance’s grabby hands away, stepping to block Lance from getting near the food again. Lance tried on the other side, but Hunk just stepped in front of him again.

 

Lance pouts. “Mean.”

 

Shiro clears his throat and attention turns to him. “Hey Lance, do you own any velcro?”

 

Hunk, clearly knowing what is going to happen, groans loudly. Lance raises an eyebrow at him. “Don’t do it, Lance. It’s a trap.”

 

“What is?” Lance asks curiously. Shiro gives Hunk a Look, trying to convey that he _shouldn’t tell him_. They have a stare off, and finally, Hunk, who can barely hold eye contact as it is, ends up giving in. Lance looks between the two of them incredulously. “Did you two just have an eye conversation? What’s the trap?! Come on, don’t leave me hanging!”

 

“If you want to know, you have to answer the question,” Shiro tells him.

 

Shiro can see the curiosity in Lance’s eyes, burning at his very core. Shiro knows he’s dying to ask. He knows that Lance will give in.

 

“Alright, I’ll bite. No, I don’t own any velcro.”

 

Shiro nods seriously. “Good. You wanna know why?”

 

“Why?”

 

Shiro pauses and Lance leans forward. Hunk turns and snorts at the sight. Shiro takes a dramatic breath for the effect. “ _Because it’s a rip off._ ”

 

Lance’s face drops. “Shiro, goddamnit!”

 

The reactions are so much funnier than the actual joke. Shiro is wheezing this time as Lance continues to rant, talking about how that had been ‘ _so misleading!’_ and how he should be ashamed of himself for leading him on. Hunk is shaking his head, but his shoulders are shaking too, so Shiro knows he found that at least a _little_ funny. They’re making so much noise- with Lance ranting at Shiro now about how _‘stupid that joke was_ ’ and Shiro desperately trying to breathe in between his laughter- that Shiro almost missed the way Pidge popped her head in again.

 

She either really enjoyed food or was having a food war.

 

“Hey Pidge,” Shiro calls as she tries to load her arms with food. Pidge grabs food faster. “What did the buffalo say to his son?”

 

“ _No!_ ”

 

“Bi-son!”

 

Shiro expected Pidge to yell at him. He expected her to tell him to fuck off. What he did _not_ expect was the fork flying his way. Thankfully, Pidge knew what she was doing, and it clattered into the counter next to him. At least, Shiro _thought_ she was aiming there.

 

“I hate you!” Pidge’s voice echoes into the kitchen as she dashes out, and whatever shock he had from having a fork thrown in his direction makes way for laughter again, and Lance busts into giggles too.

 

“Oh my god, she threw a fork at you,” he wheezes, and Shiro nods, holding his stomach. “Oh my god, and- and- your _face_! That was priceless!”

 

“You should- you should see the one I have- for _Keith_ , “ Shiro tells him.

 

“What is it?”

 

Shiro grabs his list from the counter, his laughs dying down now. He grins widely and points to the one he has planned for Keith. When Lance reads it, he’s back to laughing.

 

“That’s perfect!”

 

Shiro can’t help but agree.

  
  


Keith doesn’t wake up until after breakfast is made and most of it is gone. He looks like walking death, with his eyes only half open and an exhausted face. Shiro almost tells him to go back to bed, but they should spending at least part of the day for training, so he doesn’t. When Shiro hands Keith a plate of food Hunk had prepped for him, he nearly drops it.

 

Thankfully, Keith wakes up a little more with each bite of food, getting to the point he doesn’t look like he’d bite and infect them all with zombie disease. He gets into the conversation for a little bit, and Shiro decides it’s time for the best of his jokes.

 

“Hey Keith, I have a question for you,” Shiro begins. Lance starts to snicker. Keith looks at them warily.

 

“Okay?” Keith’s eyes dart from him to Lance. “What’s your question?”

 

“What’s dark and mysterious?”

 

Keith eyes him warily. “..What?”

 

“Em _ocean_.”

 

Keith screams. Not a high pitched scream, but it’s so sudden that both Shiro, Lance, _and_ Hunk jump. Hunk yelps too, a hand on his chest and eyes wide. Keith stares at them with an exasperated expression, as if he hadn’t just shrieked, and Lance starts laughing hysterically. Shiro joins in.

 

“ _Oh my god_ ,” Lance wheezes once again that morning. Hunk looks confused and distressed, looking at Keith as if he had just opened his mouth and let out a demon. Shiro claps, but it’s less clapping than it is banging his hands together, as he laughs noiselessly. There is no air in his lungs- he can barely breathe, but _god_ , what the fuck was that?

 

“Keith, buddy, are you… are you okay?” Hunk asks. Lance joins Shiro in laughing noiselessly, writhing around in his seat and falling around. Keith gives Hunk a deadpan look.

 

“No.”

 

He gets up and leaves, and Shiro can’t stop laughing.

 

Allura passes Keith on her way into the kitchen and raises an eyebrow at Lance and Shiro. She’s dressed in one of her fancy dresses today instead of her paladin get up. She looks like the princess she is. But Shiro knows she could probably kill a man (probably him) if she wanted. “What’s so wrong with them?”

 

“Shiro’s been telling dad jokes all morning, and he thinks it’s hilarious,” Hunk tells her, grabbing his plate and going for another round of breakfast- which is really good. Shiro should get some too. And ask what it is. “Which, by the way, they are _not_ . They’re terrible. _Terrible_ , I tell you.”

 

Maybe Shiro will get some more when he finally stops laughing.

 

_Emocean_ and Keith’s scream echo in his ears and he claps harder.

 

Allura tilts her head. “Dad jokes?”

 

“It’s an Earth thing,” Hunk confirms for her. Lance suddenly falls out of his chair. “Lance, it wasn’t _that_ funny!”

 

Lance gasps loudly like he’s trying to pull in as much air as possible. “I know, it- it was just _that bad_!”

 

“Shiro,” Allura says, eyes gleaming. “When you’re done laughing your lungs out, I’d like to hear these ‘dad jokes’ of yours. Matt keeps trying to tell some… Interesting jokes about a certain _place_ and I’d like to not think about that right now.”

 

Through gasps of laughter, Shiro gives her a thumbs up.

 

“THIS _DICK_.”

**Author's Note:**

> the emocean is from a tumblr post but i made it into a dad joke. bc keith is 'emo'. anyway.


End file.
